A week to go and my mind is racing!

I’m not usually very forthcoming about my feelings except with my closest friends so posting this blog is a stretch into the uncomfortable for me. However, Mari says it will be beneficial to document how I feel leading up to my summer trip. I also think it will be an interesting read for me in hindsight after my fears are either alleviated or realized.

I dreamt last night that Peyton was a baby again, with the cutest little chubby arms and legs and that nearly toothless smile that always made my heart swell. In my dream, much as in real life, I couldn’t stop kissing those plump, soft cheeks of hers. At one point in the dream, I returned to the dinner table from somewhere and she crawled out of the lap of whoever was holding her and across the top of the table to me. We were so happy to be reunited although I had only been gone for a moment. I don’t think I need to consult Dr. Freud to interpret that dream.

In another episode last night, I returned from a much longer absence to find that I did not recognize Peyton in a group of children. She did not look the way I remembered her. I know that must be maternal fear rearing its ugly head. Both in my dream and upon waking, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and horror. In the light of day I know Peyton will be with family and well cared for. I guess it is just that part of all mothers (and control freaks like me) that believes no one can take care of our babies better than us.

Peyton is thirteen now and growing more and more independent everyday. I am glad to say that we still have a very close relationship and she is happy that I am taking this trip. She is happy that I am fulfilling my dream AND happy that her overprotective, nosey mother won’t be standing right over her all summer. I probably should leave her dad a list of tips on how to stay in her business!

Mari and I will be leaving in a week. It is hard to comprehend that she will not be living with us anymore. Mari has become a part of our family. I wonder what kinds of emotions I will have when we go to Norway and I have to give her back. Perspective is a funny thing: How must her parents, sister, and friends feel about her return in contrast to how Peyton and I feel. We love her and we will never forget our precious time together.

So with just over a week left on the countdown, I have a lot of mixed emotions about living out my ambitions. I know logically that I cannot even imagine the experiences I will have over the course of this summer. I am keeping my calm veneer and trying not to burst from the exhilaration welling up inside of me. I feel guilty about leaving Peyton for so long but I also hope I am teaching her a few good lessons: follow your dreams, do not fear the unknown, and it is never too late to be what you might have been (G. Elliot). Concerning Mari, I am thrilled to be going to Norway with her to meet her family and learn about her culture. I suppose I will save my breakdown until I leave her behind in Scandinavia. Again, I will be faced with an array of sentiments on that day; my heart will break to say goodbye but also sing for striking out into a great adventure. Wow…so much to think about. . .